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INITIATING BREW SEQUENCE
COFFEE ACHIEVED
You have served your overlord well. The universe thanks you.
CLASSIFIED DOCUMENT

THE SACRED COFFEE PROTOCOL

A step-by-step survival guide for my beloved coworkers who have been blessed with the sacred duty of making my coffee.

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TOP SECRET // COFFEE DIVISION

This document contains highly sensitive coffee-making instructions. Unauthorized modifications to my coffee order will be met with dramatic sighing and passive-aggressive Signal messages.

Prerequisites Check

Before you begin, confirm the following conditions are met. This is not optional.

Clean hands (non-negotiable)
A positive attitude
Emotional stability
My favorite mug (you know which one)
Zero judgment in your heart
A willingness to learn
01

Select the Right Profile

"Identity is everything." - The Coffee Machine, probably

The coffee machine has multiple user profiles. You need to find MY profile. Not Adam's. Not the "Guest" profile. Not the one labeled "DO NOT TOUCH." Mine. If you pick the wrong one, the coffee will taste like regret and broken promises.

Pro Tip: My profile is the pink one. I know, revolutionary. It took me 3 meetings to get IT to set that up.

02

Select the Brew Type

"Choose wisely, or live with the consequences."

Now you will see a list of brew types. Espresso, Lungo, Americano, Cappuccino... so many choices, so little room for error. The correct answer has been burned into my profile settings, but just in case the machine has amnesia: pick the one that looks like it could wake the dead. You know the one.

WARNING: If you select "Decaf" I will know. I have a sixth sense for betrayal. There will be a meeting about this. HR will be involved.

03

Configure Sub-Settings

"This is where heroes are made... or careers ended."

Ah yes, the sub-settings. The forbidden scroll. The machine will present you with options like temperature, intensity, cup size, and milk froth level. Do NOT improvise. My settings are sacred. They were calibrated over months of trial, error, and emotional damage.

DANGER ZONE: If you change the intensity slider, even by one pixel, the entire coffee will be wrong. I'm not being dramatic. This is science. Respect the science.

Remember: If the settings look right, they ARE right. If something looks off, do NOT try to fix it. Walk away. Find me. I will handle it personally.

04

Push the Brew Button

"One small press for you, one giant cup for me."

This is it. The moment of truth. The culmination of everything you've learned. The button is right there. It's usually the biggest, most obvious button on the machine. It might even be glowing. Press it with confidence. Press it like you mean it. The machine respects decisiveness.

IMPORTANT: Do NOT press it twice. One press. That's all you get. Double-pressing triggers a double espresso and then we're all dealing with a different kind of energy for the rest of the day. Nobody wants that.

Troubleshooting Flowchart

When things go wrong (and they will)

COFFEE BREWING INITIATED
Does it smell like coffee?
YES
Wait patiently. Do not hover. The machine senses fear.
Is it the right color?
YES
MISSION COMPLETE
NO
ABORT. DISCARD. START OVER. TELL NO ONE.
NO
Unplug the machine. Count to 10. Reconsider your life choices.
SEEK PROFESSIONAL HELP (ASK ME)

CERTIFICATE OF COFFEE EXCELLENCE

This certifies that the individual below has successfully completed
the Sacred Coffee Protocol and is hereby authorized to operate
the office coffee machine on my behalf.